


Barely Holding Onto You

by MerryLilHobbit



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Comfort Sex, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Infertility, Making Love, Married Couple, Married Sex, Oral Sex, Sexual Content, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 11:27:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10875828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MerryLilHobbit/pseuds/MerryLilHobbit
Summary: He had thought that she would surely leave him, be so repelled by the fact he was the reason they could not conceive a child – but she hadn’t talked of leaving him at all, instead being so incredibly understanding and giving. She was a giver in every sense of the word, giving him so much more than he felt he deserved sometimes, and he found himself overwhelmed.





	Barely Holding Onto You

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, due to the lightning curse/whatever Grindel!Graves used on Newt in the movie, it’s left him infertile. Now Newt and Tina are married, and they’ve been discussing having a family but nothing’s working.
> 
> This fic has been…painful to write. Not because I have experience with the topic(s) but because I just struggled writing it. It’s been a labour of love, blood, sweat and tears (literally that last one), so I hope that I’ve done it some justice.
> 
> This is NOT related to any of my other Newtina fics – this is a one off. As such, some other things are different too so that I can separate it more clearly from my other fics: for example, Jacob/Queenie and their kids are different, as are the years that everything happened etc. etc. It’s a whole new fic-verse!
> 
> To add a few other notes: I’m not sure how much they knew regarding sperm and eggs during the mid-30s but I’ve tried to be somewhat accurate on everything else historically. The “glass/jar” was used instead of a plastic cup for male (in)fertility tests – thank you katiehavok for that information! This is the EXPLICT version of the fic – there is SMUT and quite a bit of it. If you want to read the clean one, then it's on my profile. (I recommend reading this one if you can, though, because the smut is for plot purposes)
> 
> Anyway, here’s the story!

She already knew what she’d find before she pushed back the duvet – she knew because of the tell-tale cramp in her lower abdomen, because of the sudden stickiness between her legs, because she just _knew_.

It didn’t soften the blow at all when she saw the crimson stain on the sheets and her pyjamas.

Tina inhaled heavily, closing her eyes and lowering her head; it wasn’t the first time she had gotten her hopes up, and it probably wouldn’t be the last…but she had hoped so desperately, and for a moment that seemed like it might have been enough. She allowed herself a few seconds to wallow in her own self-pity before pulling herself together; there was no point in sitting in bed depressed over such a thing, and she had to get ready for work.

All it took was a quick _Scourgify_ for the evidence to be removed from the sheets – it was as if it hadn’t happened. Newt would never know any different, really.

Tina had a quick shower before dressing, ignoring the pain she felt inside as she pulled on the elastic belt that _always_ pinched at her skin, the one with the persistently-stained cloths that _never_ seemed quite clean no matter how much she washed them, and hurriedly finished dressing. When she re-entered the bedroom, her husband was still blissfully unaware as he continued to sleep; he would be rather disappointed, she knew, once he found out that another month had passed and they _still_ hadn’t been able to conceive a baby. It had been more than two years now since they had discussed and agreed on starting a family, more than two years of regular trying…but nothing was happening, no matter how hard they tried.

 _It’ll happen soon,_ Queenie had assured her just a few days ago, _just you wait_.

It was easy for her to say, Tina had thought, for her sister and Jacob already had three children of their own (with many more sure to be on the way, the rate they were going).

She immediately felt guilty for thinking that; she adored her niece and nephews – she and Newt both – and she was of course happy for her sister because she knew that it was what Queenie had wanted since she and Jacob married. Having said that, it was difficult not to feel slightly bitter that her sister was able to do yet _another_ thing that she didn’t seem to be able to: perfect blonde Queenie was of course able to have as many children as she wanted without really trying while Tina – _bland, plain, prickly Porpentina_ – struggled with something that should have come so naturally to her.

She slipped on her shoes and shrugged on her jacket before casting one last look at Newt; he would see the bloodied pyjamas in the wash basket and he’d _know_ that this month had brought yet another failure – that _she_ had failed him again – and she didn’t really want to be around when that happened.

 _I’m sorry, Newt. You deserve so much better_.

* * *

Newt was silent when Tina joined him the case that evening, not even looking her way as he finished throwing pellets for the mooncalves; she didn’t say a word either, watching him intensely as she waited for him to speak. When he didn’t, merely casting a glance her way before moving on to the next habitat, she cleared her throat loudly.

“ _Newt_.”

He stopped, slowly turning to look at her; his eyes, usually so alive and bright, seemed dullened with misery. For a moment they just took each other in, waiting for the other to say _something_ to break the course tension in the air – neither of them wanted to be the one to do it, even if it _was_ a topic they absolutely needed to discuss.

Finally, Tina looked down at the ground and folded her arms. “I got my period.”

“I know,” Newt muttered, voice rather hoarse. “I saw your pyjamas in the basket this morning. I’m…I’m sorry.”

Her glare was half-hearted, clearly not convinced by his feeble words.

“No, I really _am_ sorry,” He repeated, louder this time. “Next month…maybe things will be different.”

“You say that every month,” She stated, and though she was trying to stay strong there was the faintest waver to her tone. “And they never _are_ different.”

Newt swallowed the lump in his throat, suddenly wishing that he knew the right things to say, the right things to do. “Oh, Tina… I’m _so_ sorry.”

Perhaps it was the tenderness in his own voice that caused her to crack, or maybe the pained expression on his face – but either way, Tina found herself suddenly moving forward into her husband’s arms as she struggled not to allow her feelings to overcome her. He held her dutifully as she pressed her face into his shoulder, his hold on her secure and comforting as he listened.

“I’ve let you down again.”

“You could never let me down, love. _Never_.”

“What if it’s _my_ fault?” She asked, no louder than a whisper – but he heard it as if she were shouting, painfully clear. “What if it’s my fault we can’t have a baby?”

“It could just as easily be me,” Newt reminded her despondently. “There are a number of things that mean it could be my fault…the war, an experimental potion gone wrong without me realizing…”

She pressed closer to him, obviously trying to hide the fact that she had broken into tears. “I’m _sorry_ , Newt.”

It was a word that was continuously being used between them lately, it seemed – but it was also the only word that really seemed to fit their situation too.

* * *

Later that night, as they lay in bed tucked closely together, Tina rested her head on his shoulder and took a deep breath, avoiding his eyes.

“What if I can’t have children?”

“Tina…”

“What if…if I’m physically incapable?” Her eyes were glistening again. “What if I can’t give you children?”

Newt brushed a finger against her jaw before using it to tilt her chin up to look at him. “Don’t say that. I’m more than sure that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you – it could just as easily be _me_.”

“But what if-?”

“Then that’s fine,” He interrupted gently. “We’ll love each other and grow old without children; we’ll have all of our creatures to love, and our nieces and nephews. Besides, for all we know, we _could_ conceive in just a couple of weeks from now if we continue trying regularly.”

“I…I suppose.” Her fingers drifted over the hard lines of his chest slowly, her mind clearly miles away. “I didn’t think I’d want a baby _this_ much…but I do. I want _our_ baby.”

He exhaled heavily, closing his eyes as his lips brushed over the top of her head. “I know. I want that too, Tina; I want more than anything for us to have a child together…we’ll just have to wait and hope that it will happen soon.”

* * *

As always, the bleeding came and went within just a few days that seemed to stretch on more than they should; as soon as their creatures had been fed and settled for the night, Tina had taken his hand and led him upstairs to their bedroom. She was somewhat unsure as she kissed him, and it was this uncertainty that made him falter.

“Hang on, love,” Newt murmured, hands resting gently on her shoulders. “We don’t have to…not tonight, not if you don’t want to.”

“No, I want to,” She stated quietly. “Not because of a baby – I just need to know that…that you do still love me, even if no baby does come of it.”

“Oh, Tina… Always,” He affirmed, leaning in to-capture her mouth in a searing kiss. When they pulled away briefly, his words were warm and soft against her lips. “Always and forever.”

They turned down the lights in the bedroom completely before moving to the bed, kissing and stripping off the layers of clothing bit-by-bit; with each new expanse of skin revealed, Newt’s enthusiasm only seemed to increase and he pressed a wet trail of kisses down her body. Tina quivered underneath him, arching and throwing her head back at the feather-light touches and whispered assurances he gave; she begged him to make love to her properly, desperate to see his face as they connected in the most intimate way possible.

It was with slow precision that their bodies joined, and for a moment they merely lay together as their mouths slotted together in the dark, a perfect fit. Only when they broke for air did he pull back his hips and start to shallowly thrust, gentle and slow for her; she breathed his name, a plead and a request at once, nails digging into his skin.

“I love you.” His words were muffled into her skin as he pressed his lips to her neck, inhaling her. “Don’t forget that…I want you, no matter what.”

Their love-making was tender and sweet beneath the covers, thriving on the touch of skin-on-skin and rocking motion of their hips. Tina pulled him close as she crested, his name a sigh that escaped her lips and hung in the air around them; as always, Newt was close behind as he gasped into her shoulder, his entire body trembling with his release.

Afterwards, as they shifted and he tucked her underneath his chin, he felt her crying openly; he didn’t need to be a mind reader to know what was bothering her. “Tina…”

“I’m fine,” She dismissed weakly, pressing her ear against his chest; she could hear the steady beat of his heart, a strong thrum.

He ignored the burn of his own tears, clouding his vision, and instead closed his eyes. “Please don’t forget… I need you, Tina – no matter what comes, I _need_ you.”

Tina remembered how it used to be before – before they had started trying for a baby, before things started to go wrong – and ached at the memory of what she was now missing; instead of passionate love-making it was now the business of _trying_. Each time they both worried if it might have worked, and each time it was proven that it hadn’t; it was tiring, a routine…and she _hated_ it, she hated that something so intimate and wonderful felt like a chore.

But this hadn’t been trying – this had been different, this hadn’t been about if they could conceive a baby, but rather just being together, loving each other. She didn’t want to lose him – _couldn’t_ – because she knew, as self-sufficient as she made herself to be, that she _needed_ him too.

* * *

Over the years, Credence had found himself growing more and more at home inside the case; perhaps because, when he was there, he didn’t feel so strange or like a _freak_ (a word he still hated with a passion, a word that brought back awful memories he’d rather forget), not when he was surrounded by all of these wondrous beasts. While at first he had been hesitant to come out of his shell, scarred in more ways than one by the past, he was now a far cry from the frightened young man who had repressed his magic with frightful consequences – and he had two people in particular to thank for that.

It was more than easy to quietly study Newt and Tina in the case; both of them were rather awkward in the real world, outsiders like himself, but down here they both seemed just as at home as he himself felt. They had helped him more than they could possibly imagine, giving him shelter and protecting him, making sure that MACUSA were unaware he had in fact survived their attempt to kill him, and they had even helped to teach him magic in whatever ways they could – they had given him a place he could call _home_ , and that was this case.

Credence usually enjoyed watching them from afar: they had both grown as much as he had with time, their relationship moving and blossoming like the various herbs that Newt grew in and around his shed, and while they weren’t overly affectionate as a couple there was still a certain aura that seemed to encompass them when they were together. He knew that they were both very happy together, that they certainly loved each other (unlike some couples he had occasionally witnessed); in a strange way, being in their presence put him at ease and watching the small moments between them gave him an inexplicable warmth.

Things hadn’t been like that recently.

A certain tension had seemed to materialise between the couple over the past few months, driving an invisible wall between them that neither acknowledged – but Credence knew about it, and he felt it as though he were trapped in the wall like a ghost, caught between the two. There were no arguments, of course, for they weren’t the type – but their interactions had turned rather frosty with the time that passed, as if they were avoiding talking about something they should and instead fumbling for something else, something meaningless. It was clear that things had changed, and certainly not for the better.

It greatly unsettled Credence, if he was being honest: he didn’t like the terse interactions he witnessed, didn’t like how cold things had become – it reminded him too much of how things had once been, and he _hated_ it. The comfort and ease he had once felt at being surrounded by wondrous magical creatures had faded into something strange and unpleasant because it didn’t feel _right_ at all.

That July afternoon, Newt had appeared somewhat more frustrated than usual; he had lost his temper quicker than usual when the Niffler stole his wedding ring, shaking it more vigorously than he normally did, and Credence could just _tell_ that something was very wrong. This was why he approached the older man with slight trepidation later, debating just how best to discuss the matter.

“Mr Newt?” It was a habit he still hadn’t shaken, no matter how many times they corrected him for it. “Is…everything okay?”

“Completely,” Newt stated firmly, not even looking up from the Occamy he was tending to. “I’m absolutely _fine_.”

Credence gave a nod. “O-Oh. Well. It’s just that…that you seem kind of _tense_. You and Miss Gol- Miss Tina both, I mean.”

The Magizoologist seemed to freeze at his words; the Occamy in his hands gave an indignant chirp at being ignored, and after a moment he lowered it back into the nest. “I see. What makes you say that, Credence?”

“Nothing really,” He hurriedly dismissed, suddenly worried he’d annoyed the older man further with his remark. “It’s just that I’ve noticed you and Miss Tina are…cold. Neither of you smile so much, and I just thought…it doesn’t matter. I’m sorry.”

“There’s no need to be sorry,” Newt assured him half-heartedly, looking somewhat surprised. “I suppose…you’re not wrong, really.” He sighed as he straightened up, avoiding his assistant’s eye as he tucked his hands into his trouser pockets. “Things aren’t exactly…easy for us at the moment, I’m afraid…you see, Tina and I have been hoping for a while now that we might have a baby.”

Credence blinked owlishly at this, clearly taken aback. “Oh. I didn’t know.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” He muttered. “We’ve been trying for two years now to have a baby, you see.”

“Two _years_?” The younger man was quite shocked by this revelation. “Does it usually take that long?”

Newt’s expression darkened. “No.”

Finally Credence understood where the sudden tension had come from – while he wasn’t quite an expert on _human relations_ (he felt himself grow pink in the cheeks just imagining it sometimes), it made some sense that having trouble having a baby might cause a couple to grow apart with time with stress. “I’m sorry, Mr Newt; I had no idea that-”

“It’s fine,” Newt interrupted, looking up; his eyes were glistening with tears, a clear sign that he was pained by the subject. “We’re going to continue trying…it will happen at some point, of course…sooner or later.”

Credence wasn’t so sure that this was true – even he knew that two years was a rather long time to be trying and waiting to have a baby. He didn’t dare say this, however, out of the fear that he would upset or push Newt away if he did; instead, he gave a small nod and merely said, “I’m sure it will, Mr Newt.”

He hoped it would – in his opinion, if two people deserved to be happy and get what they wanted, it was Newt and Tina.

* * *

She could have sobbed when she woke up to blood-stained pyjamas that morning, any hope she had held broken and shattered.

Instead Tina cast a cleaning spell on the bedsheets before retreating to the bathroom to clean up; she let the water in the shower run blisteringly hot, scorching her skin and turning it pink, hoping that perhaps the pain she felt inside would be numbed by a different kind of pain outside. She put on the awful cloths and belt again, hands shaking somewhat, and left the ruined pyjamas in the washing basket – a silent sign for her husband to notice every month, a representation of her failure.

She dressed for work quickly, not wanting to have to face him when he woke now, before taking a moment just to study him; Newt was blissfully oblivious to her agony as he slept on peacefully, and a tiny part of her wanted to hate him for it. He would wake in an hour or so, go to the bathroom and see the pyjamas in the basket – and then any affection he felt for her would probably ebb away, perhaps replaced by loathing or disappointment.

_I can’t even give him a child – something that should be so natural and easy._

Not for the first time, Tina wished that she were more like Queenie; usually it had been some envy that her younger sister was so confident, so vivacious, so _perfect_ – now it was resentment due to the undeniable fact that her sister had no trouble whatsoever having children. She still loved Queenie, of course, but it was unfair that her perfect blonde sister had to be able to do yet another thing that Tina herself couldn’t.

No matter what her husband said, she still felt that she had let him down – that he deserved someone else, someone who could give him what he wanted…someone who wasn’t _her_.

* * *

As had become the custom, things were once again tense between the two of them: they barely spoke for the next few days, awkwardly avoiding any topic of conversation that would have required them to speak more than a few words. It was only at the end of the week, when things seemed unbearable, that Newt finally brought the topic up whilst they were working in the shed together.

“Tina, I know that you…you had your period this week,” He stated carefully. “I think that perhaps we should talk about it.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” She denied, gritting her teeth together as she plucked some herbs from a plant.

He gave a sigh. “Tina-”

“I don’t _want_ to talk about it!” Tina snapped, turning on him. “Mercy Lewis, Newt, can’t you just leave it alone?!”

“I’m trying to help!” Newt defended, frowning deeply at her. “Tina, it’s been well over two years now since we started trying for a baby and _nothing_ has come of it – something is _wrong_ , and we both know it!”

“Nothing is wrong!” She snarled, slamming her hands down on the wood of the workbench. “Everything is perfectly fine-”

“We both know that’s not true!” He interrupted, and his voice sounded harsh even to his own ears. “If it were perfectly fine then we would have a child by now – we would probably have _several_ , the way we’ve been going – but we don’t and there’s something not right about this! Merlin, Tina, can’t you _see_ that something must be wrong with one of us?!”

Tina straightened up, her glare almost-murderous. “How dare you?!”

“Can’t you see that we need to seek out some help?” Newt questioned. “If there’s something wrong with either of us then we need to be aware of it so that something can be done… The way we’re carrying on, Tina, we’re _never_ going to have a child and we’ll end up _hating_ each other because of it!”

There was a long silence that seemed to stretch and settle over them as they stared each other down, the tension reaching a painful peak that only served to remind them how far a chasm had been created.

Suddenly, there were tears in Tina’s eyes – and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop them from rolling down her cheeks; Newt was by her side immediately, anger vanished and replaced by concern as he embraced her. “Tina…”

“If you want a family and I can’t give it to you,” Tina wept, shoulders shaking. “I’d…I’d understand if you wanted someone else.”

“ _What_?” He felt his heart sink into the deepest pit of his stomach at her words; for a moment he was quiet, avoiding her eyes as he swallowed the lump in his throat. “Is that what you want? Is this what this is truly about? You…You want to be shot of me?”

“No, that’s not what I meant at all!” She choked out. “No, I mean…if you want children and if I can’t give them to you, you…you should just put me away, get _rid_ of me, and… I wouldn’t blame you, Newt, if you wanted to marry someone else, someone who _can_ give you children and a family.”

Newt pulled away, shaking his head as his eyes filled with tears. “No…No, don’t say that…don’t ever say that, Tina!” Suddenly he was sobbing, pressing their foreheads together as he broke down without any warning. “Never…Never, I could _never_ want anyone but _you_.”

They were crying together steadily, holding each other in the middle of the dimly-lit shed as all of the feelings and emotions they had kept hidden poured out into the open; Tina buried her face into his shoulder, clutching to her husband as though he would be pulled from her grasp at any moment. “ _Of course_ I want you too, I could _never_ want anyone else either, but…but you deserve so much better, you deserve someone who can give you what you want-”

“I crossed oceans to be with you,” He whispered, still crying heavily. “Do you not know how…how _awful_ it was, some days, being separated from you? I wouldn’t _ever_ be fool enough to give you up, Tina, never, never in a thousand years would I be that big a fool… What I want is _you_ , as trite as that sounds, a-and I want you for as long as you’ll have me.”

The noise she made was somewhere between a laugh and another sob. “I know, I know…I waited for you too: I waited for your letters, for your book, for _you_ … Do you think I’d push you away after all that?” She took his face into her hands, pressing their foreheads closer together. “I’m not going to abandon you, Newt, not now and not ever…but if you really want children, and I _can’t_ give them to you-”

“Stop it,” Newt interrupted, his hold on her tightening just a tad. “If we end up never having children, then so be it – you’re all I need, Tina, and I mean that. I’m not going to leave you, I’ll _never_ leave you.”

He was surprised when she pressed a kiss to his mouth, but he responded all the same; she was still crying, her body trembling somewhat, but he pressed himself against her as his hands drifted to her waist. When they separated, both somewhat out of breath, Newt could feel his eyes stinging with tears again.

“Tina…”

“I need you,” Tina exhaled, voice breaking. “I need you, Newt, I need to know for certain that…that you mean it.”

As their mouths reconnected, somewhat sloppily, he reached for the buttons on her blouse and undid them before pushing the garment off her shoulders; he could feel her fingers shaking slightly as they dusted over the muscles in his shoulders and then with the buttons of his shirt. He broke their kiss briefly to regain some air, and when they came together again he reached to help her; as soon as each of the buttons had been popped, his hands were on her breasts and softly palming them through the fabric of her bra. She gave a whimper that was muffled by his lips, wrapping her arms around his neck to deepen the kiss further.

Somehow they managed to stumble to the bunk that was in his shed, never once separating; he laid her down beneath him, licking his lips before he leaned down to trail kisses down the soft expanse of her bare throat. She sighed, a mangled variant of his name mixed with pleasure and tears, hands tangling in his hair. He was tender as he finished undressing her, his lips following his hands in worshipping her body devotedly.

When he finally removed her trousers and underwear, leaving her completely naked and wanton for him, Newt looked her in the eyes uncertainly. “Is this still okay?”

“Yes,” Tina agreed, voice tremoring slightly. “Completely.”

She arched when he pressed his mouth against her slit suddenly, closing her eyes as a wave of pleasure coursed through her; he had forgotten to shave that morning, and his stubble was rough against the inside of her thigh as he gave a slow lick between her folds. The next lick reached the swollen nub of her clit, and she cried out loudly as her hips gave an involuntary thrust; this only seemed to spur her husband on, and he continued to lap eagerly at the slickness of her sex. She was so intoxicating, absolutely delicious, and the whimpers she gave only seemed to encourage him even more.

“ _Fuck_ …Newt…I can’t…”

She was close, he knew, and so he removed his mouth from her; his eyes were lust-blown as he took her in, heart catching in his chest. “I’m going to make love to you…is that what you want?”

“Yes, yes,” Tina begged hoarsely. “Please, Newt, I want that more than anything.”

He shrugged off his unbuttoned shirt before moving to his trousers and undoing the fastenings; she watched as he pushed them down over his legs alongside his underwear and kicked them off. Clothes out of the way, he moved to lie between her open thighs and found himself gazing down at her.

“My beautiful Tina,” He murmured, reaching to stroke her cheek. “My absolutely _stunning_ wife. I love you so very much.”

“I love you too,” She managed, her legs wrapping around his waist to cradle him close. “It’s only ever been you. Please, Newt, do it…make love to me.”

Newt reached down with one hand to grip himself, stroking his cock a few times before shifting into position; he kissed her as he pushed his hips forward, groaning into her mouth as he _finally_ sank deep into her body.

“ _Merlin’s beard_ ,” He gasped, bracing himself above her with shaking arms; her hands were cupping his face, eyes heavily-hooded as she looked up at him. “Tell me when I can-”

“Now,” Tina pleaded, her voice soft; there was the slightest glisten of tears swimming in her eyes. “I want to feel you, Newt.”

He swallowed, giving a small nod before pulling his hips back; she clutched at him when he thrusted back inside of her, tilting her head back ever so slightly at the feeling of his hard length filling her. With every thrust he gave, she reciprocated; she made sounds of pleasure, small pleasured mewls, her own hips lifting and falling to meet him desperately. She was so hot and tight around him, yielding and giving in simultaneously…she was so _perfect_.

“I’d never abandon you,” Newt mumbled into the hollow of her throat, his hands suddenly slipping underneath her and spreading across her back. “Never…you’re mine, my wife, and you’ll always be mine.”

Tina moaned as he gave a particularly hard thrust into her, digging her nails into the muscles of his shoulders. “Yes…yours…”

“And _I_ am _yours_ ,” He continued roughly, and his voice was filled with emotional affection all of a sudden. “Don’t you see? I…I don’t want some…some exotic or mysterious wife…not even one who could give me a family…just _you_. Only ever you, Tina…”

She rested one hand in his hair so that she could pull him down for another searing kiss; he groaned and closed his eyes, giving in completely to his urges as he increased the pace of his thrusts. He could feel the hard peaks of her nipples pressing into his chest, the warmth of her breasts, the _heat_ that squeezed him so deliciously, and he tried to pull her closer to himself.

“Newt…Newt, I’m so close!” She panted, and he could feel her walls clenching around him rhythmically. “Oh…Oh…”

“Let go for me, love,” He urged desperately. “Let go, and I’ll catch you…let go, love…I’ve got you. I’ve always got you.”

Just moments later, Tina fell over the edge; she cried out his name, spilling from her lips like the most beautiful music he had ever heard, his most favourite sound. His pace became feverish as he chased his own climax, desperate to find that release and be there with her; the clench of her inner walls around him, milking him, pulled at him – and he let go.

“ _Fuck, Tina_ ,” Newt hissed, giving one final thrust so that he was buried deep inside of her. “ _Tina_.”

She held him close as he released inside of her, long pulses and spurts that spread a certain warmth through her; he closed his eyes as he emptied himself, resting his head on her shoulder as he waited for his heart rate to calm down. For a few minutes, the two remained in this position as they recovered, blissful and sated.

And then she felt the wetness of tears against her collarbone.

“Newt?” Tina whispered, running a hand through his sweat-soaked hair. “Dear, what’s the matter?”

Her husband was silent for a long moment, body still shaking from the intensity of his release, before lifting his head to gaze at her. “I’m sorry, it’s just…I’m _so_ sorry…”

“Shhh, love,” She soothed gently. “Tell me what’s wrong. I’m here.”

“I know, I know, it’s…I just…you are _everything_ ,” Newt admitted, face flushed from their activities – but also some embarrassment. “I don’t want to be without you, Tina.”

Tina was suddenly cupping his face, her eyes also filled with tears. “Without me? You won’t be, Newt, I promise.”

“But…” He choked, suddenly overcome. “What if it’s _my_ fault we can’t have a child? I know you’re convinced that it’s somehow your fault, but what if it’s _my_ fault? It’s a fair possibility…”

And just like that, she understood. “Newt…”

“What if it’s because of _me_ that we’re not having children? What if I’m…I’m the problem?”

Tina had grown very quiet, clearly trying to sort through the thoughts in her head _and_ comfort her distraught lover efficiently. “Perhaps…Perhaps you had a point earlier.” She took a deep breath, swiftly looking away from him. “Perhaps we _should_ seek out some help.”

A torturous silence fell in the room at her words, and it took a moment for Newt to find the words to respond. “Okay,” He muttered weakly. “Okay.”

They didn’t speak as they separated, moving to clamber underneath the covers of the bed – usually they would sleep outside of the case, in their usual bedroom, but for some reason it seemed only right that they rest in the shed, near to their creatures. Once they were both settled somewhat (not bothering to dress, for there didn’t seem much point), Tina rolled over onto her side to face him; even in the dark, he could tell that she was torn.

“I’m sorry I reacted badly earlier,” She said finally. “But I think you were right and we _should_ see a Healer…like you said, at least we’d know for sure.”

Newt found himself reaching for her, needing to feel the warmth of her bare body against his own, his favourite comfort. “Yes…I do suppose that would be for the best really. There’s no point in continuing this cycle, not when it’s making us both so miserable.”

Tina pressed herself into his side, resting her head on his chest – her preferred position to sleep in – and closed her eyes. “No matter what happens…no matter what they say…you’ll still love me?”

“Of course,” He agreed, his hold on her tightening just a tad. “No matter what, we’ll still love each other…nothing will change that, love. Nothing.”

* * *

As expected, the Healers at St Mungo’s had decided that the best course of action would be to run various tests in order to determine any possible problems. An additional appointment was made for a week later to run a few examinations on Tina – and, as it turned out, for Newt to “leave a sample” for testing.

It was a week later, and they were once more seated before Healer McCarthy, Newt bouncing his leg nervously as Tina chewed at her bottom lip. The older woman smiled kindly at them as she went through their papers, making sure that everything was in order; finally, she stood up and used her wand to levitate the files into the air.

“Alright, Mrs Scamander, if you just come with me then we can start the physical examination. Mr Scamander, one of my colleagues will be with you in just a moment to take you to a quieter room.”

Tina looked rather nervous as she was led away, and Newt wished he could go with her, if only to make sure that she wasn’t alone; instead he looked down at the floor and tried to calm the beating of his heart. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d done _this_ , if he was being honest, far from it – but it was rather embarrassing all the same.

The male Healer who came to accompany him looked rather sympathetic and smiled cheerily at Newt as he took him down a long corridor and to a small room; it was white-walled, sparse, little furniture save for a few chairs and a table. There was an empty glass object on the table, and he tried not to go too red-faced at the sight of it – he knew _exactly_ what it was for.

“Take as long as you need,” The Healer said kindly, still grinning somewhat as he closed the door behind him. “Just leave it behind the glass window when you’re done.”

Newt sat down on one of the chairs nearest to the table, trying to avoid looking at the cup again just yet; of all the things he had been asked to do, this might have been the most embarrassing – it was one thing in the privacy of a place you called home, but a hospital did not qualify as that at all. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and willing himself to remain level-headed: the sooner he got this over and done with the better.

What a coward he was, he thought to himself: the only contribution he really had to make was by pleasuring himself – Tina would be prodded and interrogated mercilessly, asked intimate questions that even he wasn’t quite sure the answers to, and yet she had gone ahead without a single complaint. He knew that it was because she wanted a child – she had for two years now – and if this perhaps brought them one step closer to achieving that then it would be worth it.

Truthfully, he was _terrified_ of what the results would be: he had made sure to constantly assure Tina that, should the blame lie with her, then he would love her no matter what – but what if it was _his_ fault? What if he was the reason that they had been so far incapable of producing children?

Thoughts like this weren’t helping him in any way – especially not with _this_ – but he couldn’t help it; once the sample was tested and the Healers had the results, that would be it. There would be no uncertainty, no returning to how things had been before – there would be a final outcome, and they would have to work around it no matter what it was.

Newt thought about his wife – how she was most likely feeling the same way he was – and sighed; she was the reason he was doing this, he reminded himself, the reason he was sitting in a small room with a glass jar on a table. For the past two years, he had watched Tina grow more and more disheartened, more depressed with each month where they didn’t conceive a child, and it pained him to see her so unhappy. They had been stuck in the same dreary cycle for two years now: trying to conceive, failing to do so, feeling miserable, trying again…it was exhausting, and it had taken a toll on Tina as well as himself.

He cast a look at the cup and looked away again hurriedly; pleasuring himself into a small cup had _not_ been something he’d ever imagined doing, yet here he was.

_I’m doing this for Tina – if this is what she needs me to do, then so be it._

With that in mind, he tried to force himself into that headspace: he’d never get anything done worrying about the future, and he _had_ been the one to suggest seeking help…he had to square up and get on with things, as one might say.

 _Alright_ , Newt forced himself to think: _I’m doing this for Tina. She’s the reason I am here – I’d do anything for her if it made her happy, even this… She wants for us to have a baby, my baby, and I want her to, so I have to do this…_

There was only one thing for it logically; closing his eyes tightly, he allowed his mind to drift to thoughts of his wife. He tried to remember the past few times they had been intimate, but all that came into his mind was the fact that they’d been _trying_ – they’d been trying for so long that it had stopped feeling like love-making and more like a routine that they were forcing themselves through. Knowing that this line of thinking wasn’t going to help, he instead tried to recall the last time they had made love just for the sake of making love: not for the purpose of conceiving or to distract from the pain when it never happened, but just simply _making_ _love_.

He remembered that it had been in the summer two years ago, shortly before they had discussed and agreed to starting a family; he had just returned from a trip to Peru, and he’d been so thrilled to finally see her again. It had been late at night, but she had been waiting for him patiently; her entire body had lifted had the sight of him, eyes bright and smile so wide and beautiful that it had momentarily caught him off-guard. Despite being rather tired, it had seemed only right to mark their reunion by being intimate.

Another image came to him quite suddenly: Tina stretched-out for him, pleading for him to make love to her. She had writhed and arched for him so beautifully, not only welcoming him home but welcoming him back to her – she _was_ his home in many respects.

He suddenly became **_very_** aware that his trousers were much tighter than they had been just moments ago, and he let out a heavy exhale.

 _No, there’s no going back – get it over and done with, then I’ll hopefully never have to do anything like this again_.

With that, Newt unbuttoned his trousers and shoved them halfway down his legs alongside his underwear; he dreaded to think what someone would say, should they happen to walk in, but he immediately rid that thought from his mind and continued.

 _Think of Tina…I’m doing this for Tina_ , He repeated to himself firmly.

Newt could suddenly remember their wedding and honeymoon in great detail; they had been in a hotel near the coast, and it had only been for a weekend before he was required to travel to China and she to start her work as an Auror for the Ministry – but it had been perhaps the most wonderful three days of his life. The first time they had made love as husband and wife (as trite as it sounded) had been so beautiful, so intimate, and it was something he hoped to never forget.

 _Oh…oh, that’s certainly doing something_.

He bit his lip and reached down to cautiously give himself a few strokes; he couldn’t help the small groan he gave at the feeling – he had been required to go an entire week without any kind of release, and it had been rather tedious for both himself and Tina. There was a good reason for it, he knew, but for now all he could think about was finding some form of release – if only for a couple of minutes – before having to return to this harsh reality.

For just a few minutes, Newt forgot he was in a tiny stark white room – instead, he was caught up with the memory of being with Tina, of being intimate with her in the most natural way. He could remember Tina underneath him and over him and _around_ him, giving what she took, loving him so unabashedly; his hand worked faster as he lost himself in the memory, adding a light flick of his wrist towards the end of a stroke to tease the tip before sinking back down. He could feel himself hurtling closer and closer to the edge, his whole body tensing as it prepared for that release he so desperately craved-

-and the cup was still on the table.

“ _Bugger_ ,” He hissed, reaching out his other hand for the glass and moving it into position quickly. “ _Almost_ …”

He pinched his eyes closed as his hand worked harder, sweat starting to drench his brow until something deep within him released in a flash, and he filled the cup with a low pained sound. He was left panting heavily on the chair, one hand gripping himself and the other holding the cup; fearing he might drop it, he shakily put it down on the table and tried to concentrate on focusing his breathing.

It took a few minutes for him to fully recover, and when he did he found that he was feeling rather flushed; he suddenly felt rather embarrassed as his eyes caught sight of the cup, dragging his gaze away desperately to look at something – _anything_ – else. He knew that there was a reason he had done it, but all the same…it was not something he would ever want to do again.

Newt pulled up his underwear and trousers, doing up the fastenings as quickly as he could, and forced himself to look back at the cup; it had his name on it already, ready to be tested, and he had to look away because his face was burning. The hardest part was over, he told himself, he just had to leave the cup behind the small sliding glass door on the other side of the room and that would be it; the Healers would test it to determine if there were any problems and give them the results within a week or so.

Being honest, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the results or not.

He carefully placed the lid on the cup, making sure not to spill anything, and silently left it behind the sliding glass door; no one appeared to be on the other side watching him, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that everyone _knew_ what he’d been doing in this small bare room. Briefly, he found himself wondering just how many other men had been in his position – how many had done the same thing he had just done in a moment of desperation.

 _It’s okay,_ Newt told himself in a half-hearted attempt to reassure himself; _after all, it’s not as if anyone but myself or the Healers will see it…it’s for us to have a family, it’s important. No need to be so embarrassed really_.

Even with that frame of mind, he didn’t want to remain in this room for much longer – the sooner he left and attempted to forget this the better.

* * *

Tina’s examination and questions ended that afternoon with the conclusion that she was healthy and didn’t appear to possess any illnesses that would have made it difficult to conceive; far from putting Newt at ease, it only increased his anxiousness for his own results, which would not be available for another week or so. The Healer affirmed that she would let them know when his results were ready so that they could come in for another discussion on what the next step would be.

As soon as they had apparated home, Tina looked visibly relieved.

“I thought…I thought there was something wrong,” She admitted. “When they started asking about my… _periods_ …and they asked if I got them heavy, I was certain that they were gonna say it was me.”

“Well, it doesn’t appear to be you,” Newt assured her, forcing himself to smile despite the fact he was internally worrying very much. “We’ll have to wait and see.”

It had been a week since they had last been intimate together, and so as soon as all of their creatures were settled for the night the two retreated to the bedroom for some very much needed time alone. There were no words as they kissed and embraced, moving together in a way they were rather fond of, and it wasn’t long until they were cuddled underneath the covers together, both sweaty and sated.

Newt’s eyes closed as he inhaled deeply. “If it’s me-”

“I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with either of us,” Tina interrupted quickly, sensing the silent struggle he was enduring. “Maybe we’ve just been trying at the wrong times…maybe there’s nothing at all to be worried about.” Her hand cupped his cheek gently, a kind warmth in her touch. “Don’t fret over this, Newt. Please. There’s no use in it.”

There was no disagreeing with her when she used _that_ tone of voice, firm and set, so he simply nodded and pulled her closer to him so that they could get some much needed sleep; as Tina dozed off beside him, rather content, he couldn’t help but wonder just how much longer he had left to enjoy sleeping beside her before it all crumbled away.

* * *

Healer McCarthy was smiling as she greeted Newt and Tina a week later, a folder full of papers in arm. “It’s lovely to see you both again. Now, Mr Scamander, you have a choice; some men prefer to be given their results in private, as a matter of pride – so if you’d prefer for your wife to wait outside then that’s perfectly fine.”

Newt cast a look at Tina – and he knew immediately what his answer would. “No, I’d prefer for Tina to be with me, if that’s alright.”

“Of course,” The Healer agreed kindly. “If you’ll just come with me then, we’ll go to my office for a chat.”

Her hand slipped into his, a small comfort but a comfort nonetheless, as they followed the older witch down the corridor and into a small but well-decorated room. As soon as they were seated, Healer McCarthy looked at them both seriously – and it was obvious that whatever the news, it wasn’t good.

“As you’re both aware by now, the examination that we performed on you, Mrs Scamander, showed that you’re relatively healthy – even with a heavy cycle, it should still be more than possible for you to carry children.” Her eyes shifted to Newt, and he felt his stomach drop. “I’m afraid, Mr Scamander, that the issue here seems to lie with you.”

He could feel his wife’s hand squeezing his own, an anchor as he listened to the very news he had dreaded hearing for so long.

Healer McCarthy looked rather sympathetic as she gazed at him, her papers and folders spread out before her on the desk. “In the sample you gave, we found that while there were plenty of _seminal fluids_ , there weren’t very many… “swimmers”, as it were – certainly not enough to impregnate your wife. To add, the ones that were there had a low motility…any would have died before having the chance to join an egg.” She paused. “I’m very sorry. I know that this is very difficult for you both to take in. If you like, I can leave you two alone for a moment before we discuss the options that you both now have.”

Tina gnawed on her bottom lip, looking to her husband; his face was uncharacteristically darkened, angered, as he swallowed. “No, that won’t be necessary.”

“Alright then,” The Healer acquiesced calmly. “The chances of you getting pregnant with your husband’s child, Mrs Scamander, are extremely low.”

“But not impossible?”

Healer McCarthy gave a small nod. “Nothing’s impossible, dear, but it’s _extremely_ unlikely – I wouldn’t count on it happening, I’m afraid. Now, if you both decide that you still want children, then there are other options; adoption, fostering…they’re both very big decisions, not to be taken lightly, so I don’t recommend making your mind up immediately, especially after the news you’ve just received.” She paused. “Again, I am…truly sorry.”

* * *

Neither of them spoke as they returned home and went through the usual daily motions without enthusiasm; immediately after they returned, Newt retreated into the case with his creatures – Tina knew, even without him saying a word, that he needed to be alone for a while. Instead, she settled for making herself a cup of coffee (as strong as she could) and curling up in the bedroom upstairs with a book.

Newt appeared a few hours later, avoiding her gaze as he walked into the room and started to undress; by this time, Tina had changed into her nightclothes and was waiting for him in the dark whilst sitting against the headboard. She silently watched him as he undressed and changed into his own pyjamas before settling into bed; he didn’t look at her as he rolled onto his side to face away from her, clearly not in the mood for words.

But it needed to be spoken about, whether they liked it or not, and they both knew it.

They were silent for a few minutes, both waiting for the other to speak first; finally, Newt gave a sigh, his voice quiet as he finally allowed himself to speak to her.

“I’m sorry,” He muttered, still not looking at his wife. “I’m _so_ sorry.”

Tina’s heart clenched in her chest. “Newt…”

“This is my fault,” He stated, tears glistening in his eyes. “It’s all my fault we can’t have a child…it’s all because of me. I’ve…I’ve failed you as a husband, Tina.”

“No, you haven’t,” She denied weakly, putting a hand on his shoulder and turning him towards her. “You haven’t failed me at all, dear, I promise.”

“It’s my fault that we don’t have a baby,” Newt murmured, looking up at her through bleary and tired eyes. “You deserve so much better…you deserve a husband who can give you what you want.” He took in a deep breath, closing his eyes. “I know I’ve let you down…and so if you wish to end our marriage, to wed someone who _can_ give you what you want, then I won’t blame you-”

“Stop it, Newt!” Tina exclaimed, though it was clear she wasn’t angry. “Don’t be so ridiculous – I’m not going to ask to annul our marriage because of this, not at all!” She cupped his face with her hands, forcing him to look up at her so he knew she was serious. “We promised in our vows that we’d never leave each other, and I intend to stick by that promise until I die – nothing will change that, Newt, nothing.”

He choked, emotions suddenly getting the best of him. “But…But you want a child…”

“I wanted a child with _you_ ,” She reiterated firmly. “ _Our_ child, something we made together – but if we can’t have one then I will learn to accept it. I don’t need a herd of children to make me happy because I’m at my happiest when I’m with _you_ , Newt, and I couldn’t ask for anything more.”

“Tina-”

“We have our creatures,” Tina stated firmly. “They’re our children already, even if they’re not human; we already protect and love them so much, both of us. Besides, you heard the Healer: there’s a chance that someday we _will_ have a child – nothing is impossible.”

She wrapped him in her embrace, holding him as he started to sob into her side; she said nothing, instead waiting patiently as he finally release the emotions and heartbreak he was feeling to her. She was also disappointed by what they had been told, just as much as he was – but she had meant every word of what she had said too: there was no one else she could imagine spending the rest of her life with, no one else who made her feel the way he did.

“I love you,” She told him firmly, turning his face up towards her. “Baby or no baby, I will always love you.”

Newt was still crying as Tina brushed the hair from his face and pressed a kiss to his forehead; for a few moments they remained this way, a quiet calm settling over them. After a short time he shifted, and she could feel his warm breath on the skin of her neck and chin – and then his lips seeking hers; despite her surprise, she found herself kissing him back on instinct, and for a moment it was easy to forget.

But then she felt him tense, and he was pulling away suddenly.

“You don’t have to,” He muttered, avoiding her gaze. “There’s…There’s really no point, we won’t make a baby…”

“I am _not_ doing this to make a baby,” Tina stated firmly. “I’m doing this because I _want_ you… But if _you_ don’t want me to, then that’s fine; I won’t force you, Newt, not if it makes you uncomfortable. We can just sleep if you want.”

His throat bobbed as he swallowed, casting his eyes downwards before closing them tightly. “I…I don’t know,” He finally said. “I feel silly and pathetic saying this aloud but…but I do _need_ you, Tina.”

“Yes… I need you too,” She agreed, cupping his face and trying to pull him back towards her. “Let me show you, Newt: let me show you how much I want you.”

“I…I need you,” He repeated, voice extremely weak. “I need you, Tina…I need you…”

She shushed him gently, pressing small kisses to his face; when she reached his mouth, however, she hesitated for just a moment. “Let me look after you, just this once…let me take control of things.“

He gave a small nod, and with that she leaned forwards to kiss him; there was no fire or passion but a loving tenderness, as if she was waiting for him to push her away again. It took a few moments for him to respond, and she wondered if he _did_ want this – but then she felt his mouth working against hers slowly, his hands coming to grip her own tightly, his shoulders relaxing slightly.

When they separated, his eyes were glistening again. “I…I…”

“I know,” Tina said sincerely, rubbing her thumb over his cheek; he hadn’t shaved over the past few days, and his stubble felt rough to touch. “You don’t need to say it – I know. You’re _mine_ , Newt, alright? You’re always mine.”

For a few minutes they merely kissed, slow but warm, familiarising themselves with each other. As her hands drifted down to his pyjama shirt, she pulled back somewhat and looked at him seriously, a question.

“Is this…still okay?” She asked, resting their foreheads together. “You can say ‘no’ at any time if you want, I promise.”

“No,” Newt said hoarsely. “Still okay. Please, Tina…”

There was no rush as she slowly unbuttoned his shirt and pushed it down his shoulders; with this off, she leaned in to press another kiss to his mouth, reassuring him gently. She could feel the tears wetting his cheeks as he returned the kiss, could feel the pain he was going through as keenly as her own.

“Hold on,” Tina whispered, reaching for the buttons on her own nightwear. “Only fair.”

He watched as she shrugged off the top, taking in the expanse of skin suddenly revealed to him; he was reminded of their first time all of a sudden, of how tentative they had been, and his heart ached at how simple things had been once. Not for the first time, he became aware of just how lucky he really was to have her – why she would have wanted to marry him in the first place had always been a mystery to him, but he hadn’t questioned it in case it ruined things.

Once the shirt was off, Tina embraced him once more, her arms welcoming and as familiar to him now as his case with his creatures; as her mouth found his in another soft kiss, he hesitantly found himself moving his hands to her back so as to hold her. He wanted to feel her, not out of lust but because he _needed_ to know she was still there, that she hadn’t abandoned him: he wanted to hold her close, just to know that she was there with him.

“I love you,” She murmured again between kisses, one hand cupping his face while the other slid around his shoulders. “I don’t want you to _ever_ think otherwise.”

Newt closed his eyes as he tried to relax more into the kiss; he had been admittedly worried that she would no longer want him after the news, that she would want to leave and find a husband who _could_ give her what she wanted…but she hadn’t, she had proclaimed that she still loved and wanted him. A part of him was relieved – the other slightly less rational part was still waiting for her to turn around and kick him out of their bed.

A soft hand dusted over his shoulders, down over the hard planes of his chest and his stomach; it stopped on this waistband of his pyjama bottoms, and she pulled away to allow them both some space to breathe and to look him in the eye. “Only if you’re sure. I don’t want to push you-”

“No,” He interrupted, not looking at her. “I don’t want to stop. Keep going.”

She was slow as she started to tug the trousers down his legs, pulling them off completely from him before throwing them to the floor. She kissed him as she cautiously reached a hand down past his stomach, down to the area between his thighs-

He was soft.

He choked suddenly, lurching away from her. “I’m sorry-”

“No,” Tina said quickly, pulling him back towards her. “Newt, listen to me; I’m not upset. If you don’t want to do this then please don’t force yourself – I won’t be angry or disappointed. I only thought that…I mean it, if you want to stop then I promise that I will not mind.”

“It’s not that,” Newt muttered, and he was starting to _cry_ again. “I want to, I do, but…but I keep thinking about it, Tina, that I can’t give you a baby and…and I can’t help it.”

“Newt…”

But he was moving away, hiding his face like a wounded animal. “I can’t give you children – the one thing I should be able to do naturally. You deserve so much better, Tina, and I am…so _sorry_.”

“No, love,” She disagreed, shaking her head as her own tears started to prick at her eyes. He was surprised when her hands suddenly cupped his face, steering him towards her. “Listen to me, Newt: you are more than…than _that_ to me. Nature doesn’t always get things right, and you know this better than anyone. I won’t lie to you, I’m…I’m devastated that we can’t have a baby,” She admitted carefully, wary of hurting him. “I wanted to have our baby more than I thought I would…But this doesn’t change how I feel about you at all. I married you because I love _you_ – if we cannot have children together, then we have nieces and nephews and _our_ creatures.”

“You don’t have to lie to make me feel better,” He sniffed, looking away.

“I am _not_ lying!” Tina stated, clearly appalled by this. “Newt, look at me: I would never lie to you, _never_.“ A tear rolled down her face, and he watched it fall with wide eyes. “You promised that if it was because of _me_ then you’d still love me…why can’t you believe the same of me?”

Newt swallowed thickly. “I…I don’t know.”

“I _do_ still love you,” She insisted fiercely, and she was suddenly crying with him – he couldn’t remember a time when she had cried quite like this. “For better or for worse. _Please_ don’t think I don’t, Newt, please… I don’t _need_ a baby to make me happy – you’ve already made me so much happier than I imagined ever being.”

For a few minutes they just held each other, sharing the grief that they both felt as they cried and embraced; it felt painful and raw as they both came undone, trying to offer each other comfort whilst also allowing their own miseries to wash over them. It was only as they both started to calm down, sobs dying into hiccups and sniffles, that Tina pulled away and rubbed at her eyes; underneath the hurt and sorrow, he could see that she was understanding too – giving even when she was upset herself.

“I don’t think we should,” She whispered mournfully, reaching for where her pyjama shirt had been discarded further up the bed. “I…I don’t want to force you.”

Newt felt his heart constrict in his chest. “No, you’re not forcing me at all, I promise. I _do_ want you…I _need_ you. I want to do this – I want to be close to you.”

Tina hesitated, her shirt clutched between her fingers as she considered what he had said. “Are you _sure_?” She questioned uncertainly. “Are you really sure about this?”

“Yes,” Newt affirmed, and he suddenly found himself reaching out for her, needing to feel her skin against his own. “Please, Tina…please.”

She dropped the garment back onto the bed, moving closer to him; she still looked unsure, even somewhat anxious. “Only if this is what you _really_ want…as I’ve said, we don’t have to-”

“I _want_ to,” He repeated, bringing his fingers to brush along the edge of her cheek. “I… A part of me _needs_ to know that you do still want me.”

She took a deep breath, resting their foreheads together for a moment. “I do…always, Newt. _Always_.”

He closed his eyes as she started to kiss him again, leaning into it and running his hands over her bare skin; she gave a quiet sigh against his mouth, moving to rest one hand on his back and the other in his hair.

“My Newt,” She murmured between kisses, noses bumping together. “ _My_ Newt.”

He could feel his heart swell at her words, but he tried not to show it – getting emotional would do him no good at all really. “Yes,” He agreed, and his hand was suddenly cupping her breast, massaging and squeezing it gently. “I’m _yours_.”

Tina gasped at the pleasant feel of his hand, of his thumb circling her nipple; a part of her mind nagged to remind her that this was not about her but about _him_ , and she cleared her throat to speak. “Newt…”

“It’s working,” Newt whispered to her, and his other hand started to knead at her other breast; his head fell to rest on her shoulder, and it was only then that she was aware of something starting to press into her leg. “Oh… _Merlin_ …”

She understood immediately what he meant and lifted his face so that they were eye-to-eye once more. “Whatever you want,” She reiterated breathlessly. “This is for _you_ , not me.”

“I want you to want me,” He said softly, and his voice sounded dangerously close to breaking again. “That’s all.”

Her lips were firm against his own as she pulled him closer, trying to convey in that one kiss everything she wanted him to know: she wanted him to know that she loved him so much more than she would have dared admit aloud, to know that she would never leave him, that _of course_ she wanted him, in all the ways it was possible to want another person. His response was somewhat more obvious this time, fumbling as he kissed and drank in everything she had to offer like it was his last chance.

When they broke apart again for much needed air, Tina’s hands came to gently push at his shoulders. “Lie down for me, Newt; let me show you.”

Newt did as she asked, somewhat hesitantly, and watched as she moved to hover over him. Her mouth started near to his ear, kissing softly at first before moving down to his bare throat and nipping – not hard enough to hurt but enough to make him gasp out her name.

“ _Mine_ ,” He heard her murmur into his skin. “Always mine… _always_.”

The kisses started to trail lower, over his collarbones and his chest; she paused over a particularly visible scar, just a few inches from where she knew his heart was, and brushed her lips over it. He couldn’t help but shiver slightly at the feeling, tilting his head back with a low sigh.

“My brave husband,” Tina stated, moving onto another scar. “You’re so brave and I am so _lucky_ …and nothing will change how I feel…nothing…”

He closed his eyes as her kisses drifted down his torso, worshipping each of the scars she found and whispering an adoration into his skin to reassure him. She watched his face as she did this, studying his reactions to be sure that he was still completely consenting and comfortable; when she had finished kissing a scar on his lower stomach, she sat up and slipped her hands in his, squeezing his fingers in her own.

“Don’t you see?” She whispered to him, suddenly emotional. “You’re so much more to me than…than having _children_ ; you’re my husband, and I _love_ you. I will keep saying it until you realize it, Newt – I love you, and I’ll always be here for you.”

Newt felt the air catch in his throat as he looked up at her, suddenly struck by the realisation that he was so ridiculously, unbelievably blessed; that afternoon as they had returned from their appointment he had thought that she would surely leave him, be so repelled by the fact he was the reason they could not conceive a child – but she hadn’t talked of leaving him at all, instead being so incredibly understanding and _giving_. She was a giver in every sense of the word, giving him so much more than he felt he deserved sometimes, and he found himself overwhelmed.

Tina brought one his hands, still linked with her own, to her lips and pressed a kiss to where their fingers interlocked; she maintained eye contact with him, gazing with unabashed adoration. “ _My_ Newt.”

“Please,” He found himself muttering, a surprising desperation in his voice. “Tina, I want you…will you show me?”

The corners of her lips lifted as she leaned down over him. “ _Of course_ , love.”

Newt found himself watching as she unlinked their hands and peppered kisses back down his body; when she reached his stomach once more, she cast one last glance to be certain before bringing her lips to his right hip. He could feel her teeth scraping against the bone, biting and sucking, and a flicker of heat coursed through him.

“Tina, please…”

She swiftly moved to hover over him again, planting her legs on either side of his hips as she captured his mouth in an impassioned kiss. He gave a quiet whine, reaching to touch her wherever he could, desperate to feel her under his hands; he could feel the fabric of her pyjama bottoms rubbing against him, and he couldn’t help but let out a quiet instinctive groan at the feeling.

“Oh,” He muttered shakily against her mouth, reaching to touch her breasts. “ _Oh_.”

Tina’s smile was small as she cupped his face. “Tell me what you want me to do: I’m doing this for _you_ , to show you…”

“I want to feel you,” He rasped, giving a hardened nipple a tweak with his fingers. “I _need_ to feel you.”

Newt sat up and watched with widened eyes as she shifted off of him to remove the last piece of her nightwear before returning; he could feel her wetness against his thigh as she settled, and he swallowed thickly. Her fingers brushed down his stomach as he gazed at her face, down over his scars and to the part of him that had hardened for her; his breath hitched as she wrapped her fingers around him, pushing his face into her breasts.

“Merlin’s beard…”

“Tell me what to do,” She reminded him gently, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Where do you want me?”

“Like this,” He affirmed wantonly, words muffled into her chest. “Just like this.”

Tina gave a nod, pulling away from him slightly so that she could get into position. “Of course, love.”

She gave him a few pumps, making sure he was ready – or perhaps giving him a few moments to back out if he wanted – before holding him and lifting her hips. She paused again as she positioned the tip at her entrance, watching his face intently; he gave her a weak smile, reaching to squeeze her hip. “I want to,” He reassured her. “Please.”

And then she was sinking down, ever so slowly, and it was like being submerged in a warm bath after a long day; he moaned and closed his eyes, pushing his face into her chest once more as his hands gripped her hips. He could feel her quivering ever so slightly, the clench her walls gave in anticipation; she reached for him in the dark, entangling her hands in his hair and holding him close to herself with a shaky breath. For a few minutes, neither of them moved: instead they simply held each other, savouring this moment where they were joined so intimately and naturally.

Finally, Tina shifted and looked down at his face; even in the dark it was obvious that he was trying to stop himself from crying. “I love you,” She found herself murmuring softly, pressing her lips against his temple.

It took him a moment to reply, and when he spoke his voice was quiet. “I love you too.” The grip on her waist tightened ever so slightly as he opened his eyes, gazing up at her. “Will you move for me, love?”

“Of course.” With that, she stretched her legs out to rest behind his back and started to grind down into his lap; she heard him sigh with pleasure, a quiet exhale.

Her rhythm was slow as she moved, wrapping herself around him so that they were pressed close together; Newt pushed his face against her shoulder, mouthing at the skin there as he kept a firm grip on her hips. “Tina…” His voice was almost inaudible. “My Tina.”

“I’m not going to abandon you,” She whispered to him, running her hands through his untidy hair. “Never… It’s only ever been you I’ve wanted, just you…”

To her surprise, she felt his hips buck up into her. “You feel so good,” Newt muttered, pressing kisses to the valley between her breasts. “Feel so good… Love you so much…so much…”

“Yes,” Tina agreed sincerely, resting her chin against the top of his head. “I know, and I love you too, Newt.”

His fingers dug into the soft skin of her waist, sure to leave indents with his nails, and he let out a trembling breath as his hips gave a small involuntary thrust. He wanted to bury himself inside of her, he thought, wanted to lose himself and forget – forget about the appointment, about the heartache, the _trying_ – just for a short time; he wanted to do that with her, someone whom he loved and trusted.

“Go faster,” Newt found himself requesting, closing his eyes as he held her close. “Please, faster.”

A ghost of a smile made the corners of her lips turn up; hands on his shoulders for leverage, Tina increased the speed of her hips so that she was grinding against him and gave a quiet moan. She could feel the slightest of tremors in his shoulders, the twitch of him inside of her, the feeling of his hips attempting to move with her, and it spurred her on to continue with a new eagerness.

The pace that they made love with was erratic and heated – but it wasn’t about the physical gratification, really; he could hear her soft adorations in the air around them, could feel the love in her touch. Similarly, he nipped and ran his tongue over her creamy skin, using his hands to clutch her rear and help her move, wanting to drink her in and forget himself. It was a wonderful dance, he found himself thinking, a dance where they both gave and took in equal abundances.

He was panting heavily as he snapped up into her, digging his nails in so hard that it would be sure to leave red marks for days to come; he wanted to tell her how much she meant to him, to thank her for still wanting and needing him – but he couldn’t find the words, instead only managing grunts and whines of pleasure. She whimpered, one arm twining around his neck while her other hand dug into his scalp; she was tight and velvety around him, a perfect space to slide into and lose himself in.

“Newt,” She moaned, and her voice had risen in pitch. “Oh, Newt… _oh_ …”

He closed his eyes, burying his face into her breasts and clenching his eyes shut as his balls ached for some kind of release; a lump was rising in his throat, but he refused to cry – not now, not while he had her loving him in such a way. He wanted this moment to last forever, this moment where they were intimately close and connected.

“You feel so good,” Tina keened into his ear, clenching tighter and tighter around him. “Newt, I…I don’t think I’m gonna last a lot longer… _oh_ …”

“Me too,” Newt found himself mumbling, sliding his hands up her bare back. “Not long…want to feel…” He lifted his eyes to gaze at her, and she could see that they were glistening. “Need to feel you, Tina.”

She gave a groan, moving like a wild creature as she thrust against him desperately; her nails sank and dragged into his shoulder and scalp, pulling at him. He could tell that she was close by the rhythmic squeeze of her walls around him, and his cock twitched inside of her eagerly.

“My Newt,” She panted, clutching to him. “Oh…yes…oh, so close…need you to cum for me…”

“I will,” He promised shakily, voice hoarse all of a sudden. “I will… _fuck_ , Tina.”

“Newt, what do you need? What do you need to cum?”

He growled into her cleavage, bucking into her hard. “I need to _watch_ you, love – I need to _feel_ you.”

The noise Tina made was unintelligible; it reminded him of a noise a creature might make in heat, and it sent a spiral of arousal coiling through him. She hissed out an exhale as she rode him faster, and when he lifted his head to look at her he found that the image before him was _stunning_ : she was so beautiful like this, with her dark hair falling onto her face, her breasts bouncing in time with her thrusts, a sheen of sweat coating her body as she hurtled towards her climax. He nearly came at this sight alone.

“Newt!” She cried out, hands now digging into his shoulders. “Oh, Newt! Yes…I’m… _Mercy Lewis_ …Newt!”

He could feel the telling tightening in his groin, and he knew that he was mere seconds from the edge – he just needed an extra push. “Tina, love…Tina…”

With just a few thrusts, she was _there_ ; Newt watched her face as she shouted his name over and over, her walls fluttering and clenching so _tightly_ around him – it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Her body was pulling and milking him in such a way that it was just mere seconds later that he found his own release; he swore and called her name as he emptied himself inside of her, clutching to her body desperately as waves of euphoric pleasure started to wash over him. It was one of the most intense climaxes he had had, and he was sure that he might pass out at the feeling.

Tina recovered first, her breathing shallow; she retracted her nails from his shoulders and instead slowly spread her hands over his skin – she had left light scratches and marks across his torso, marking him as hers and hers _only_. He had pushed his face into her chest when he had finished, and his entire body was shaking with small tremors; she pressed a kiss to his forehead, running her hand through his hair and feeling the sweat-soaked curls through her fingers.

It didn’t surprise her when she felt his tears on her breasts, his quiet muffled sniffles echoing in the air.

“Newt, love,” She whispered, still slightly out of breath. “Talk to me – tell me what you’re thinking.”

Newt gave a choke, trying to contain himself. “I’m…I’m sorry,” Her husband croaked, lifting his face to look at her. “I’m _sorry_.”

“You don’t need to be sorry,” Tina stated calmly, brushing her thumb over his cheek ever so softly.

She held him as he cried, burying his face into the crook of her neck; it was uncomfortable for them to remain in this position, especially seeing as they were both sensitive after their peaks, but neither of them made to part just yet. She didn’t say a word as he allowed his emotions to pour out, instead dutifully stroking his hair back and holding him against her body.

Eventually his tears stopped, replaced by unsteady exhales and a slight hiccup as he forced himself to calm down; she was still there with him, gently cupping his face and tilting it towards her so that they were eye-to-eye.

“I’m sorry,” Newt said again quietly.

“You don’t need to be,” Tina repeated, resting her forehead against his. “It’s not your fault – you had no control over something like this… Besides, I don’t need a child to be happy, not really – I just need you. We can continue trying because it’s _not_ impossible, the Healer herself said so, and if nothing comes of it then that will be fine because we’ll have our creatures and our nieces and nephews…and we’ll have each other, of course.”

His grip on her tightened, firm but not painful, and he inhaled heavily; for a moment he was silent, and she waited patiently for him to speak again. When he finally did just minutes later, his voice was weak and pained – but there was also a sense of relief too, she noted.

“ _Thank you_.” His eyes were teary once more, though not with misery now. “ _Thank you_ , Tina.”

They slowly separated, not bothering with their nightclothes and instead slipping beneath the sheets naked; immediately Tina was wrapping her arms around him, nestling into his side with her head on his chest – as normal, as if nothing had changed between them.

Nothing had changed, Newt realized, and he felt the slightest feelings of hope and warmth settle in his stomach at the thought.

“I love you,” He murmured, closing his eyes as he relaxed into her touch.

Her voice came to him in the dark, clear as day and like a shining beacon. “I love you too – _always_ , love.”

* * *

 

**Two Years Later**

It was relatively late when Tina joined him in the case that evening; Credence had gone home, and most of the creatures were either asleep or preparing to rest. She looked somewhat tired, but her smile was genuine – and he couldn’t help but smile back.

“Long day at work then?” Newt mused, turning back to the Graphorn he had been attending to; it wasn’t the first night she had come home late, usually caught up with paperwork or another task at the office. “You should get to bed early, love, I can settle everyone for the night.”

“Actually,” Tina said quickly, and there was the slightest hint of nervousness hidden in her voice. “I’ll wait for you to finish your rounds…we need to talk.”

He was admittedly surprised by this but nodded nonetheless. “I see. Very well then – I won’t be long.”

It took just ten minutes to finish putting all of their creatures to rest for the night; his wife was waiting patiently for him near the tree that homed their Bowtruckles, arms folded as she gnawed on her lip. She forced herself to smile, however, as he approached and took the hand he offered without hesitation.

“Alright, what do we need to talk about?” Newt asked, looking her over.

Tina hesitated, looking across the expanse of the case – _their_ case – at all of their creatures. “I…haven’t been feeling all that well lately.”

Ah, yes, he knew that already: she had come down with quite a nasty bout of flu just a couple of weeks previously, and he had helped to nurse her back to full health despite her complaints. “Are you feeling ill again?”

“Not quite,” She said slowly, looking back up at him. “But I haven’t exactly been feeling myself, so I thought I’d go to the Healer to check – just to be sure.”

“You should have told me,” He stated, somewhat anxiously. “I would have come with you-”

“It was a last minute appointment,” She confessed quickly, casting her eyes down at the floor. “I…I wasn’t sure if I should go, really, it seemed silly…”

Newt frowned but didn’t comment on her latter comment. “Well, what did the Healer say? Is there something that we need to be concerned about?”

Again, Tina paused and seemed to consider something before speaking. “I’m just thinking… Do you think we’ll have room for a new addition?”

“Well, I suppose it depends on the size,” He pondered thoughtfully. “There’s only so much space, even if I do extend some of it more. To add, there are some creatures that I’m sure we sadly can’t keep down here, no matter how much we might want to-”

“Newt,” Tina interrupted, and she waited until he looked at her. “I’m not talking about a _creature_ …not really…”

He stared at her for a long moment, not quite understanding – and then their eyes met, and it hit him suddenly just what she meant. She waited with bated breath to see how he would respond, not looking away.

“Tina.” His voice was barely above a whisper. “Do you mean…?”

And then she beamed at him, tears in her eyes as she nodded. “Yeah, I do.”

Suddenly Newt was kissing her hard on the mouth, pulling her towards him; when they broke away, he gave a shaky delirious laugh. “Oh _Merlin_ …”

Before she could respond, her husband had sunk to his knees in front of her; he placed his hands on her stomach, spreading his palms wide as he looked on with wonder. Tina felt her heart warm when he pushed his face into her stomach, kissing it through the fabric of her work blouse – when he pulled away, however, he was _sobbing_.

“Newt, what’s the matter?” She asked anxiously. “Have I done something wrong?”

He choked, shaking his head. “No, no, not at all, it’s just…” His hands slipped into hers, fingers intertwined as he struggled to find words. “I think I need to hear you say it. Please, Tina, say it so I know for certain…”

She tearfully laughed, squeezing his hands tightly. “Newt…I’m pregnant.”

The noise he made was halfway between a sob and a chuckle. “ _Again_.”

“I’m _pregnant_ ,” Tina repeated, and there were tears streaming down her face now too. “I’m pregnant – we’re having a baby, Newt.”

“Yes,” Newt gasped, resting his head against her abdomen. “ _Merlin_ , we _are_.”

“We’re having a baby,” She cried joyously, heart feeling as though it were about to explode through her chest. “We made a baby.”

His breath caught in his chest.

“We made a baby, Newt,” She reiterated tearfully. “After so long…”

He unlinked their hands so that he could push up the fabric of her shirt; before she could say anything else, he was pressing soft kisses to her navel as his shoulders shook. “We did it,” He whispered disbelievingly. “Tina…this is real.”

“You’re happy.”

“Of course,” He agreed, standing now; his hands remained on her stomach as he leaned in towards her, lips brushing against her temple. “I am so…so unbelievably happy and overjoyed, Tina. You are… _glorious_ …magnificent. And you, you’re happy too?”

Tina forced back a sob of her own as she held him close to her, mouth turning up into one of the most beautiful smiles he had seen. “ _Yes_ , yes, I am!”

“I’m going to worship you,” Newt declared, taking her hand and leading her towards the shed. “I’m going to worship _you_ and every single moment of this…I love you so much, Tina. _Thank you_.”

Tina gave a small laugh as she followed him eagerly, squeezing his fingers tightly in her own. “I love you too, Newt – _always_.”

**Author's Note:**

> THIS BASTARD IS FINISHED, THANK FUCK FOR THAT.
> 
> Literally. This fic is like…an alien, and I have finally killed it. (okay that’s a weird thing to say but it’s late and I’m tired)
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed (kind of). I kind of did enjoy writing it on a weird level…? If only because it was something new and separate from what I’ve written before. 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading, I love you all!
> 
> Like what I post? Why don't you check out [my Ko-fi page](https://www.ko-fi.com/meganwalsh)?


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